Monday, June 10, 2013

Then, From Out of Nowhere

Phone rings. Picture of my mom's dog pops onto my screen.

ME: Hey, what's up?


THE MOTHER: You know those books I got at the flea market when we were visiting?


ME: Ummmm...  (she bought A LOT of books at the flea market...then again, so did I)


THE MOTHER: Well, I'm not sure I like this one guy.  His books are kind of weird.


ME:  Define weird.


The Mother and I have read a lot of "weird" books in our day, peeps.  The only real question is: how weird? I mean there's aliens in the backyard weird and then there's group of serial killers who remove their victims skin and then make clothes out the hides to wear on their next killing spree.  (both of which are real books we've read and enjoyed)


THE MOTHER: Well, it starts out kind of normal.  There's all these attacks, people go into the forest on these nature hikes and--


ME: Only their remains are found.


THE MOTHER: All through the book, everyone thinks it's grizzly bear attacks!  So, they're trying to find these grizzlies that are eating people.  But, the sheriff, well, he acts weird.


ME: Define weird.


About now, you're probably thinking the same thing I am.  There are no grizzlies eating people.  The sheriff is the real killer, and he's eating people.  Well, that is kind of weird, but not beyond the normal scope of suspense fair, so I fail to see how this can be weird.


It should be noted that while I'm thinking this, THE MOTHER is still prattling on about her "weird" book.



THE MOTHER: And then, from out of nowhere, there's this dragon!

ME: Wait.  WHAT?


THE MOTHER: About 100 pages from the end (this is easily a 500 page book) this fire-breathing dragon shows up!


ME: From out of nowhere?  There's no warning? Just poof! Here's a fire-breathing dragon?


THE MOTHER: That flies!


ME: *rolls eyes* A fire-breathing dragon that flies.  Is this a small dragon?  One that can be easily concealed?


THE MOTHER: No, he's 48ft long.  But, he's...what do you call it when they blend into their environment?


ME: Chameleons?


THE MOTHER: That's it!  A 48ft long chameleon, fire-breathing dragon.


ME: That flies.


THE MOTHER: Weird, right?


ME: Um...yeah.  So, what are you reading now?


This is where I expect her to tell me she's cracked open the new James Patterson or Dean Koontz, because The Mother does not read the same author one book right after the other.  Especially when the books are "weird"


THE MOTHER:  Now, we're onto Jesus sightings.


ME: You're reading another by this guy?  I thought you said the books were weird?


THE MOTHER: Well, yes.  I just said Jesus sightings, didn't I?


ME: *facepalm*


I can't even tell you what the rest of the conversation was about.  I'm still mystified by this part of it.