Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Conversations with THE GRANDMOTHER

So, I've regaled you fun folks with some of my convos with THE MOTHER, but today, I'm going to give a rare treat in the form of a rundown of my phone call with my grandmother.

Now, I must preface this dialogue by telling you that my grandmother has come up with a few doozies over the years.  She once wrote in a book, "Know your cab driver" then explained to both me an the mother that none of the crap that happened in that book would've happened if the main character hadn't gotten in the cab in the first place.  Hard to argue her point there.  


This is also the woman who when asked how the weather was up in her neck of the woods once told me, "It's as clear as a pineapple outside."  I'm still trying to decipher that one.

So, I guess the following conversation shouldn't have come as a surprise.

The Grandmother: I didn't hear from you yesterday.  Does that mean you got some writing done?

Me: Yes, I wrote over four thousand words yesterday! (I was pretty impressed with myself.)

The Grandmother: Um...and how many pages is that?

Me:  I don't know.  Probably about sixteen or twenty, depending on how many words per page.

The Grandmother:  And, are you writing a mystery this time?

Me: Umm...(This is something both she and The Mother always ask...mostly because mystery is by far our favorite, mine included, genre to read) ...no, it's not.  Mysteries are hard, grandmother.  I WANT to write one, I do.  But, I don't know.  I start out with a great idea and then it just crumbles.  Maybe, I just want them to be so perfect, I end up over thinking it.

The Grandmother:  Well, I don't know what there is to over think!  You have a guy in the freezer.  *short pause*  And, he's dead.

Me: I'd think that anyone in a freezer for any length of time probably would be dead.

The Grandmother:  Well, there's your story!  See, how easy that was?  

Me:  Umm...so my story is that there's this guy?  In the freezer?  Who's probably dead?  I don't know, grandmother.  What else?

The Grandmother: Well, I don't know.  You're the writer, but the rest should be easy enough to figure out.

Me: Umm...

The Grandmother:  You know who the guy in the freezer is?  He's the cab driver!  That would explain why we haven't seen him in a while.

Me:  The cab driver?  He's dead?!? In the freezer?

The Grandmother:  It all makes perfect sense now!

Me: It's as clear as a pineapple.

The Grandmother: Exactly.

There you go, folks.  My next book all laid out for you.  Courtesy of The Grandmother.  Do you think she'll expect a cut when it's published?